And Then
by LeanaVine
Summary: AU. In which Cas owns a coffee shop, goes to a support group every Saturday - which doesn't help - and falls in love with the EMT that helps save his life using just his belt. (Warning of depression, self-harm, minor character death, sex, and pregnancy. Includes Man/Man. Human!Cas, Human!Gabriel, Human!Lucifer. Destiel, Dean/Castiel. Lucifer/OC. Eventual Sabriel, Sam/Gabriel.)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Hi guys! I'm going through and editing all the chapters of all my stories, because I hate looking back and seeing typos or scenes that could've gone better. So please, if anyone sees anything wrong with any of my chapters - typos, something was confusing, you would've liked to have seen something else - please leave a review or message me and I'll get around to it. I'm not sure how long I'll spend on this story in particular, so please don't wait to message me. Thanks!

Please leave a review, and I'll put you on the wall of fame! I'll try to keep track as much as possible. If I miss your name, please tell me, and I'll take care of it right away, because I appreciate and love all of my readers.

I really hope that this story won't bother anyone. Castiel has a problem with cutting, which, if I'm being honest, is something I have also struggled with. So, in this story, I will pull from some of my own personal experiences just to make it more real, and thus the story will become quite real for me.

As always, I do not share any views expressed by any characters in this story. And I own nothing in this story.

Okay, please read, review, and enjoy!

* * *

Behind the counter of a lonely little coffee shop called Oasis stood Castiel Novak, a man that was too good looking to be as depressed as he was. He had no hopes of getting customers, and so he just read his book, grateful for the silence. The book he was reading was _Fifty Shades of Grey_, a book so vile and embarrassing he could only read it when no one was around. It had been a gag gift from his older brother Gabriel, but curiosity had lead Castiel to open it one day earlier that week. And now, Castiel hated himself and his dedication to finish every book he ever started, just wishing that Ana and Christian would break up already so the book could be over.

He glared down at the pages, shaking his head slightly. "Look at yourself, Ana," he mumbled. "You should be ashamed of yourself. That's not you inner goddess giving you the thumbs up, it's Satan."

The sudden _ding _of the bell at the door had Castiel shoving the book under the counter, almost falling off his stool. His brother Gabriel, not even noticing Castiel's nervousness, came in, smiling and holding out his arms dramatically as he sang, _"You're beautiful, you're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true. I saw your face in a not-so crowded place," _Castiel scowled at that part, _"and I don't know what to do. 'Cause I'll never be with you."_

Castiel let out a deep breath. "No you won't, Gabriel, because that would be incest." He grabbed a rag from a shelf under the counter, wiping down the counter as if he were a bartender in an old western movie.

Gabriel sighed as he strode up, sitting on one of the stools, dropping his bag to the floor, and resting an elbow on the counter. "You're so uptight, Cassie." He laid his head down, exhausted. "Espresso macchiato, please," he begged, his voice muffled against the counter.

With a groan, Castiel turned around, turning on the coffee machine. "It's going to take a while. I didn't even have the machines on." He looked back over his shoulder. "And how many times do I have to say it? Stop calling me Cassie." The nickname he'd procured years ago still hung around, no matter how many times Castiel demanded that he stop being called the name.

Gabriel grumbled, turning on his side, almost enough to fall off his stool. "But _Cassie_," he whined, totally ignoring his brother's request for about the thousandth time, "how do you expect to have customers if you don't even have your coffee machines turned on?"

Castiel sighed, leaning back against the counter as he waited for everything to start up, rubbing his eyes and forehead. "That's just it – I don't expect to have customers. No one comes here."

With a quick stretch, Gabriel sat up, looking at his little brother with a tired expression. "Well, if it's going so bad, then why don't you just give up on the place? How long has it been since you had a customer other than me?"

Castiel spent a minute attempting to remember, but then shook his head. "Too long. And besides, I can't close the shop down, Gabe. I've sunk way too much money into this place." It made his eyes hurt, just thinking about all of the hard work he'd put into making his little Oasis.

Gabriel shrugged, swiveling on his stool to look around. "Then maybe you should advertise. I mean, if people knew about this place, they'd flock here. Who doesn't want to come somewhere that sells coffee _and_ scented candles. Plus you've got your little library over there." He pointed to the few shelves of books in the back corner. "This is like Heaven for hipsters."

Castiel laughed a little. "Thanks, Gabe." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Maybe you're right. I should advertise. Anything is better than doing what you do." His smile faded, looking at his brother, slumped over and drained.

Gabe almost looked like he had difficulty lifting his head to smile at Castiel. "Yeah, don't go down my road, Cassie. Being a night nurse more than sucks." He yawned, and that was when Castiel took notice of Gabriel's blue scrubs.

Castiel cocked an eyebrow. "Gabe, if you're done for the night, then why are you still wearing your uniform? And why are you getting coffee? Aren't you going to bed?" It wasn't like Gabriel to stay up after a long night of work. He usually went straight home and collapsed on his futon. Castiel might've pieced it all together sooner if his heart wasn't still racing from having almost been caught reading _50 Shades_.

The older man shook his head, half smiling. "I'm working a double shift today. No, I'll get off work tonight."

As he made Gabriel's coffee, Castiel voiced his concern. "That's crazy of them to do that to you, Gabe. I'm so sorry." He hated that the machine was so loud, because Gabriel tended to stop talking while it was on because he was too tired to strain his voice.

Gabriel laughed a little, raising his voice over the machine. "Nah, you don't get it little brother. I asked for the extra time." When Castiel looked back at him in question, Gabriel nodded. The machine quieted down, and he added, "I've got a little something that I'm saving up for, so I need the extra money."

Castiel's concern left his face as he continued to construct Gabriel's espresso. "Okay, well, just take it easy, Gabe. I wouldn't want you to overwork yourself." He turned, placing the little glass of coffee on the counter.

Gabriel smiled at it like it was a baby kitten, then he took it all down in one swig. "Don't you worry about me, little brother. I'll be just fine now." He jumped up from his chair, grabbing his bag off the floor to pull out a ten dollar bill out of a side pocket and laid it on the counter. "Consider it an investment towards advertising." And with that, Gabe hurried out, just as quick to leave as he was to arrive.

With a small frown, Castiel picked up the money. "The most advertising I could afford with this would be a sandwich board." He sighed, putting the money in the register. Castiel glanced out the big front windows, and when he saw that no one else was about to come in, he retrieved his book from under the counter, picking up where he left off.

"Christian Grey, you are such a despicable beast…"

* * *

That night, as he lay sprawled out on the couch, the news on the TV just for background noise, Castiel finished _50 Shades_, groaning in happiness as he tossed it to the floor. "Thank God, that's over." He slumped down into the couch, turning to look at the TV screen. Castiel wasn't interested in the news – always a bit too sad – so he switched it over to his favorite show: _Hawaii Five-0_.

He smiled, mumbling along with the opening theme song, lightly thrusting his fists like he was playing an imaginary drum set. Castiel had such a strong love/hate relationship with this show. He loved it because Kalakaua was so powerful, and McGarrett and Williams were completely dreamy. He hated the show because McGarrett and Williams reminded him just how gay he really was.

About two years prior, Castiel had come out of the closet to his older brothers Gabriel and Lucifer, his only remaining family. Gabe wasn't surprised at all, saying he'd figured that all along, jokingly banning Castiel from all of his Super Bowl parties, then proceeding to grind his knuckles into Castiel's head in a noogie. Lucifer was less than enthused, but didn't turn Castiel away like he had once feared. Lucifer just made his opinion clear that he would continue to love Castiel no matter what he did with his life, but that he didn't necessarily like that Castiel was gay. That would have to be good enough, Castiel decided. It was a lot better than what he had been expecting.

Sometime after admitting his sexuality to his brothers, Castiel started a relationship with a man named Jack. Gabriel didn't mind having Jack around, and they even bonded with time. Lucifer didn't really want to be involved with Jack, because he still wasn't very comfortable knowing that Castiel was gay. Even so, he wasn't rude towards Jack whenever they did come into contact. That worried Castiel at first, but Jack reassured him, saying that everything was probably moving too fast for Lucifer, and that with time, things would get better and he'd come around.

Castiel still regretted letting go of Jack. He wasn't sure what happened between them, but everything just started to sour. Most of it was due to Castiel's hesitancy to further their relationship because he was scared of how Lucifer was going to feel about everything. Jack took this as Castiel being ashamed of him, and from there everything slowly fell apart. There were arguments almost every night, and finally it was just time to say goodbye.

Once he lost Jack, Castiel's life took a sharp turn downward as he fell deep into depression, and he accidentally became anorexic. He just had no desire for food anymore. All he wanted was to sit around in his room, or in the coffee shop, staring out the window and thinking about what a screw up he was. On top of that, Castiel started cutting, but to him it wasn't bad because his cuts weren't too deep and they were on his thighs instead of his wrists. Gabriel and Lucifer were still just as pissed when they found.

For a while, Castiel denied that he needed help, and he just went further and further into his abyss. Lucifer got so angry with Castiel, and they started fighting every other night just like Castiel had with Jack just a few months before. Gabriel hated the fighting, and he tried to tell Lucifer that it wasn't going to help Castiel get better, but Lucifer just couldn't believe how foolish his youngest brother was being.

And so, they all started counseling, because they were being forced to by Gabriel. At first, it didn't do any good. Castiel and Lucifer still fought, because Castiel wanted to do what he wanted with his life, and Lucifer wasn't about to sit around and do nothing while Castiel cut himself. All in all, Lucifer was just looking out for Castiel, and his way of showing love was being incredibly angry at Castiel for making stupid decisions. During one session, Castiel had said something to the effect of, "You can't control me; you're not my father! And I will never listen to you!" That hurt Lucifer so bad that afterwards, everyone just tried to pretend like he'd never said it.

Their therapist helped them to dig deeper into the roots of their anger. It turned out that Lucifer was just angry and upset, because he didn't want to lose Castiel like he'd lost Michael, the eldest of the Novak brothers. Neither Gabriel nor Castiel knew that Lucifer had been blaming himself all those years for Michael's death, mostly because it had nothing to do with him. Michael had died when he fell through the ice at the lake, as they all remembered. Castiel had just been a baby at the time.

And then, Lucifer told them all the truth. Everyone in their family knew that Michael loved the cold, almost more than Lucifer loved heat. Michael was naturally hot, so he loved cold showers and sleeveless shirts, whereas Lucifer was always cold, so he wore sweaters year-round and took steaming hot baths. Michael had confided in Lucifer one day, telling him he wanted to be a "polar bear." They were these people that would swim in freezing cold weather, and apparently they got a huge rush from it. Lucifer tagged along with Michael as he went swimming in the icy cold water a few times during December, when the lake wasn't cold enough to completely freeze over. Lucifer thought Michael was crazy for it, but his older brother seemed to really enjoy himself when he was swimming in water that was about 40 degrees Fahrenheit.

Winter dragged on into January, and it only got colder outside. One day, Michael and Lucifer went out to the lake to find it frozen over with ice about an inch thick. At first, Michael was discouraged, then he hunted up a rock, smashing through the ice around the edge of the lake. Lucifer tried to stop Michael from swimming, but of course, Michael didn't listen. He was the strong, older brother, and he never wanted to listen to Lucifer. He told Lucifer everything would be fine, and he smiled, slipping into the water and under the ice.

Michael died that day, and Lucifer always blamed himself for standing by and letting it happen. He said he didn't want to do the same with Castiel, that Castiel could hate him, but Lucifer wasn't going to be quiet and let his youngest brother slowly murder himself.

They made a lot of progress that day, and Gabriel was happy to see that it ended with Castiel giving Lucifer a hug, and Lucifer actually hugged him back rather tightly. He had even been shaking.

Their therapist suggested that Castiel start going to a support group for people who were cutting or used to cut, because she thought that it would help him. Of course, after his hug with Lucifer, he'd promised that he wasn't going to cut again, but the temptation was still knocking in the back of his head almost every day.

So, it became routine that every Saturday Castiel would go to Luci Mae's house – the leader of the group – and they would all meet down in her basement to sit in a circle of metal, folding chairs and talk about their addictions to cutting. Castiel never really got why they had to meet in her basement, and why they couldn't all sit in her very nice-looking living room. At least Luci was nice. She shared her story about cutting at every meeting, and all the regulars would just have to sit through it, thinking about anything other than cutting. One girl would tell about how she used to cut her thighs, but that didn't really do it for her, so she switched to her wrists. She described as such: "It's like going from smoking cigarettes to smoking pot. N-not that I've ever smoked pot…"

After two months of dragging himself to the meetings, he asked permission from his therapist to stop attending, saying he'd made real progress. He hadn't cut, and he lied, saying that he hadn't even thought about it. Before the middle-aged woman even had time to consider Castiel's request, Lucifer turned him down completely, saying there was no way he was getting out of those meetings. Castiel hated it, but he knew that this was just Lucifer's way of showing love, so he reluctantly agreed to keep meeting with the ex-cutters on Saturdays in Luci's dark basement.

* * *

Castiel called it a night at 9:35, dragging himself off to bed. Upon entering his room, he shelved _50 Shades_, having decided to keep the book instead of throwing it away. Maybe he could give it to Luci at Christmas, just to see how she'd react if he told her "this book was so amazing – it really changed my life and how I look at things."

Yeah, it made him want to cut again to think that people actually practiced BDSM.

Castiel didn't even bother with pajamas; he just discarded his pants and plopped down on his bed, the springs screeching. Briefly, the thought crossed his mind that he was happy he would never have to fool around with taking off a bra at bedtime, and he laughed quietly at the vision of himself being tangled up in straps. With a tired groan, he wrapped the blankets around himself in a cocoon, and he closed his eyes. Before, Castiel usually spent the time trying to fall asleep thinking about everything that he'd ever done wrong, but his newest sleeping medication helped to make that time shorter, so his negative thoughts tended to be held at bay. His eyes stung with the need for slumber, and Castiel hoped that tomorrow would be better than today, as usual.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Hey guys. Sorry for this super depressing chapter. I was working through a lot of my own stuff while writing this, and I thought that if my emotions were going to reflect in my writing, it would be best for that to happen with this story. Things will get better for the story, and things have since gotten much better for me. So yay.

I'm still going through and editing all the chapters of all my stories, and I've just done this chapter as well. Please, if anyone sees anything wrong with any of my chapters, please leave a review or message me and I'll get around to it. I'm not sure how long I'll spend on this story in particular, so please don't wait to message me. Thanks!

Please leave a review, and I'll put you on the wall of fame! I'll try to keep track as much as possible. If I miss your name, please tell me, and I'll take care of it right away, because I appreciate and love all of my readers.

As always, I do not share any views expressed by any characters in this story. And I own nothing in this story.

Okay, please read, review, and enjoy!

* * *

"Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God…" Castiel fast walked to the sink, holding his left wrist over the drain, squeezing his forearm. Blood was coming out at a steady rate from the deep cut in his wrist. "Please stop," he begged as the thick blood dripped into the sink. There wasn't any sign that the bleeding would stop soon, and Castiel's mind was racing with what he should do, what he could possibly do.

He'd had an awful day. No one had come by the coffee shop, not even Gabriel. It had been so lonely, and without a good book, and no one to even tell him hello, he'd been left with his thoughts, which weren't pleasant. On top of all of that, Castiel had come home to a ton of bills, which had him wondering how he was going to pay for anything. Castiel's world was lonely, with no hope in sight, and no prospects to look forward to. It was all of this that pushed him to cut again.

All of his times cutting in the past, he cut his thighs. Castiel had never wanted any of his scars to be visible, so that his brothers wouldn't worry, and so customers wouldn't stare when he handed them their coffee. It always seemed good enough before, but on this night, Castiel remembered that girl from his Saturday meetings, the one who switched from her thighs to her wrists. She had actually appeared calmer after she alternated to her wrists, so it left Castiel to wonder if the relief would be greater if he switched too.

While he dug around his nightstand for his knife, voices buzzed in his head – voices that sounded like Gabriel and Lucifer – of how ashamed he should feel, how he'd been doing so well and not to give up now. But Castiel believed that he could just cut that night without becoming addicted again. He needed this, and cutting seemed a lot better than actually making an attempt on his life.

Castiel opened his knife, just admiring it. Lucifer had given him that knife when they were young. It had been Michael's, and Lucifer gave it to Castiel as a way of trying to bond, since their age difference was too great for them to connect in different ways. Castiel had started using it to cut after Gabriel forced them all to go to therapy. Even though it was Gabriel who dragged them to those appointments, Castiel only had anger for Lucifer, who yelled at him constantly. In a way, it was supposed to be payback, hurting himself with a gift from Lucifer – like Lucifer was enabling him.

Now, Castiel didn't hold grudges against either of his brothers, but the knife was still sharp, and would be his best tool for cutting again. The knife must've been cursed, because it betrayed him that night. Castiel hadn't meant to slice into himself as deeply as he did. It was so bad that he had immediately cried out in pain, knowing that he'd made a mistake.

As he held his hand over the sink now, and the blood wasn't slowing down in flow, Castiel knew that there was only one thing he could do. He hated to think about it, but it was his only option. He'd have to call Gabriel and ask him what he could do to stop the bleeding. If he were to call 911, he'd be put in a mental ward for sure. Gabriel would keep it secret, Castiel knew it. He let go of the sink, and stumbled towards his phone, only just then realizing how dizzy he'd become. Castiel had expected to feel lightheaded, but instead, his head felt incredibly heavy, like it weighed 30 lbs.

Castiel steadied himself on the counter, carefully dialing Gabriel's number into the land-line phone. The dial tone was nearly deafening, and he shook his head slowly, fighting his queasiness. Gabriel's phone rang three times before he finally picked up. "What up, brotha?" he asked, and there was a lot of noise in the background, like bustling, busy people, so Castiel knew he was still at work.

He swallowed, wincing slightly, and replied, "Gabe…I need you right now. I need your help." It was quiet on the other end, indicating that Gabriel was listening and panicking. "Please just promise me that you won't tell Lucifer, okay?" Again, there was more silence. Gabe wasn't going to make any such promise, and Castiel didn't have time to force him. "I…cut my wrist, and I'm losing a lot of blood."

Gabriel just gasped. He'd never known Castiel to do that before, so it was a huge surprise. "Castiel, what the hell? Are you crazy?" he whispered angrily into the phone. Castiel didn't respond, and Gabriel gripped his phone tighter, as if he were holding onto his little brother. "You keep talking to me."

"What-what do you want me to do?" Castiel asked, feeling hopeless. Before Gabriel could respond, he added, "I have to sit down… I can't stand up anymore." He slid down to the floor, leaning back against the counter. "Gabe, what do I do?"

"You just stay awake, okay? It's good to sit down, but keep your eyes open. And save your strength. Are there any dish towels around you? Not paper towels, but dish towels?"

Castiel lowered the phone, looking around. There was one hanging on a rack on the island in front of him. He grunted, reaching forward as far as he could, but the towel wasn't in reach. Then, he put down the phone, using his uninjured hand to push himself closer to the island, ripping off the towel and wrapping it around his wrist. He picked the phone back up, holding it with his shoulder. "I got it…"

"Did you wrap it around your wrist?"

"Yeah…"

"Okay," Gabe instructed, "you have to keep as much pressure on that as possible. Don't worry about cutting off the blood flow up your arm, just hold that towel to your wrist as tight as you can, okay? Tie it tight if that makes it easier." Castiel knew that Gabriel must be scared out of his mind, but he sounded so calm. It made Cas smile. "I'm going to send someone your way, and don't you dare tell me that you don't need it. Don't worry, he's a friend. I'll tell him you were cutting vegetables."

"But…I don't have any vegetables out." Castiel felt like a child, protesting the help that Gabe was trying to offer him. "My door is locked, I don't think I can get to it."

"Trust me, that's not going to slow this guy down." Castiel could hear Gabriel talking to someone, and he focused on just regulating his breathing. He knew that one part of blood loss was going into shock. (Or was that when your organs started to shut down? Or both?) He felt that if he kept his breathing even maybe he could fight off shock. He had no idea what else he could do. "Okay, stay awake baby bro. Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?"

Castiel shook his head, but then remembered Gabe wasn't there. "No, no it's okay. I'm okay, just dizzy."

"Well, Dean is gonna be there soon, okay? I hope you're not too fond of your front door. Just stay awake, okay? I'm trusting you here. I'll be waiting – I'll fix you up myself." Castiel nodded, again forgetting that Gabriel couldn't see him. Afterwards, he hung up. There was no point keeping Gabe on the phone, Castiel knew he had to be busy, and he wasn't expecting to die yet.

Some time passed, and Castiel hadn't remembered closing his eyes. Suddenly, there was loud banging at his front door. Castiel just noticed that his eyes had been shut, and he hadn't been gripping the towel anymore. It had fallen to the tile, exposing the gash in his wrist. Castiel's eyes widened slightly when he realized he was sitting in a pool of his own blood. A voice called out to him, but he couldn't really understand what they were saying. Castiel watched as the door shot off the frame, tumbling across the floor with some splinters flying. It hadn't just been kicked open, it'd been _destroyed_.

The man that entered the door had been a tad bit more gorgeous than Castiel had been expecting. He had light brown hair that was put up with gel, and he was so muscular it even showed through his orange jacket. Castiel watched as the EMT looked around before his eyes landed on him, probably looking pathetic on the floor, laying in a puddle of himself like a melting snowman.

Instantly, the EMT was by his side on his knees, pulling off his own belt. "You're Gabe's little brother?" He started to pull up Castiel's sleeve, and Castiel was delirious at this point, so he couldn't really answer. He was too preoccupied with watching the EMT with that belt. It was slightly arousing how quickly he'd whipped it off. "You're going to be fine," the EMT told him once his sleeve was up past his elbow. "But you've gotta talk to me, okay?"

Castiel remained quiet. His brain wasn't functioning properly; he couldn't even think of words to say, or remember how to speak. After another moment of silence, he mumbled, "I'm Castiel."

The EMT smiled at him as he wrapped his belt around Castiel's arm, just above his elbow, tightening it so much Cas was sure his arm was going to crack. "Hi Castiel. I'm Dean." He looked around the kitchen counter, humming in his throat. "I hate to ask this, but where's the knife you used?"

Castiel swallowed again. It was so hard to speak while fighting nausea. "The island." He tried to point, but Dean pushed his hand back down, standing to get the knife before kneeling next to Castiel again. He proceeded to cut a new hole in the belt so that it would stay tight on his arm. Dean mentioned something about how the belt would help, but not for long, so they would have to hurry. All Castiel could concentrate on were those bewildering green eyes and the freckles that dusted his cheeks and nose. As Dean started to help Castiel sit up, and they were close, Castiel just smiled, liking the feeling of having Dean's arms around him. "You're gorgeous."

Dean paused, just looking into Castiel's eyes for a second, then everywhere but Castiel's face. He looked down, and he chuckled. "Umm…thank you." He chuckled again before quickly lifting Castiel into his arms. "I'll take you downstairs. Once I get you in the ambulance, I can put some gauze on your wrist."

As Dean carried him downstairs – bridal style – Castiel just laid his head on the other man's shoulder and closed his eyes, trying not to think about the fact that he was bleeding out on a beautiful stranger. He shivered lightly, and noticed that Dean's voice was fading out. This had to be what going in to shock felt like.

* * *

When Castiel regained consciousness, he was riding in the back of the ambulance with Dean. Flannel blankets were piled on top of him. Castiel noticed that he was also now covered with the EMT's jacket, which was the first layer, directly on top of his chest. He really must've gone into shock. He lifted his hand to his face to see that it was wrapped up with more than enough gauze. How much blood had he lost? That's when he noticed that Dean's belt was now missing, and there was an IV running into his other arm. The IV was feeding him fresh blood, which would explain why he was feeling slightly better.

"You're B+." Castiel looked up at Dean, who was smiling down at him. "How're you feelin'?" the beautiful man asked. "You really had me scared there for a little while. Gabriel would've killed me if anything went wrong."

Castiel sighed, turning away from Dean and trying to sit up. "I'm fine now. You don't have to take me to the hospital, just turn back around."

He was a bit surprised when Dean pushed him lightly back down on the gurney. "You still need stitches. And if you put a lot of pressure on your injured arm, you could start bleedin' heavily again. Just relax, okay?"

"It's a bit difficult to relax," Castiel admitted, just giving up and staying put. "Part of me kinda thought I was going to die tonight."

Dean was silent for a moment, then asked, "Is…that what you were tryin' to do?"

Castiel shot him a glare. "How the hell is that any of your business?" His eyes widened after he heard his own voice. Really, he'd only meant to think that, not say anything. "I'm sorry."

Shaking his head, Dean smiled downward. "No, you're right. It isn't any of my business. Gabe wants me to file this as you havin' an accident while you were cuttin' vegetables. I've gotta be honest, though, not many people are going to believe that."

After turning away again, Castiel closed his eyes. "Let people think what they want of me. They've never let anything stop them in the past."

* * *

Gabriel wrapped Castiel in a tight hug upon seeing him, then he irrigated the wound and started to stitch him up right there in the lobby, saying that everything was going to be fine, over and over again. Part of Castiel wondered who Gabriel was really talking to in that moment – Castiel or himself. It was extremely uncomfortable being stitched up in the lobby. Everyone was just staring at them, and it was hard trying to ignore all the prying eyes.

Dean didn't stick around for too long afterwards. He just patted Castiel on the shoulder and smiled, saying something to the effect of, "Take it easy kid." Other nurses took Castiel to a higher floor and put him in a bed, where they added a new IV to his arm and told him he should try to get some rest now.

Castiel couldn't sleep at first, not until after he got to see his doctor, who informed him that he would be spending the night, just so that they could keep an eye on him. Gabriel came in later to clarify that they'd all bought the story about Castiel's cut being an accident, but they weren't about to send him home in the condition he was in.

"Hey Gabe, can I ask you something?" Castiel asked. Gabriel just nodded as he was finishing up the pudding cup that Castiel had refused. "Is it protocol for EMTs to use their belts as tourniquets? Or to just start feeding you new blood before you're even stitched up?"

Gabriel laughed, wiping excess pudding from the corners of his mouth. "Dean's new. We try not to use tourniquets anymore. But to be honest, his methods are probably what saved your life. Using the tourniquet kept you from bleeding out, and feeding you new blood fought off the shock. I've gotta hand it to him, he knows what he's doing."

Castiel half smiled before closing his eyes. Gabriel was quiet afterwards, and Castiel appreciated that he wasn't being bombarded with questions yet. He knew that at some point, they would have to talk about what happened, but in that moment, Castiel was just focusing on getting his rest.

* * *

Hours later – either late at night or really early in the morning – Castiel woke up in a fog to hear voices in his room. He took in a deep breath and opened his eyes. Everything was hazy at first, but then it was clear. Gabriel and Lucifer stood at the foot of his bed whispering. Lucifer's arms were crossed, so Castiel knew he was in for a serious lecture. He suddenly felt ashamed, knowing that he'd lied to Lucifer about his progress. Now all of the skeletons were coming out of the closet.

It took a while for either of them to notice that Castiel was watching them. Eventually Lucifer let out a sigh, looking down at his youngest brother laying in the bed, and his eyes widened. "Gabriel."

Gabe looked down at Castiel too, offering a smile. "Hey kiddo. How're you feeling?" he asked. He walked over to sit on the edge of the bed and checked Castiel's IVs. "You're looking a lot better."

The youngest smiled as much as he could. "Thanks… I feel a little stronger, but I still feel like crap," he admitted. Castiel knew that most of what he was feeling was because of his guilt, and his fear of what Lucifer was going to say. He was a little upset with Gabe for even telling Lucifer what happened, but he also knew that Lucifer would've found out at some point, and it probably was better to tell him now than to let him find out on his own months later.

"Castiel." Lucifer's voice wasn't loud, but it was still enough to evoke fear in the youngest Novak. "Are you going to tell me what happened?"

As he tried to look anywhere but at Lucifer, he answered, "Do I necessarily have to? I mean," he lifted his wrist, "do I really have to explain this to you?" He lowered his arm back to the bed, hiding it under his blanket.

Lucifer sighed, sitting on the side of the bed opposite from Gabriel. "I just want to understand why you did it, Castiel." It was surprising how genuine the concern sounded in his oldest brother's voice. Lucifer really didn't seem angry, just confused.

"Didn't Gabe tell you?" Castiel asked. "I was cutting vegetables and my hand slipped." He finally looked at Lucifer's face, and could read there that he wasn't going to get away with that lie. When Lucifer didn't say anything, Castiel just sighed. "You wouldn't understand, Lucifer. You would hear my reasons for doing it and think I was pathetic."

With a groan, Lucifer looked away. "That's the difference between us, Castiel. You don't even give me a chance to understand. You just assume that I'm going to condescend and then put you in a mental hospital no matter what you say, but we both know that isn't true." He glanced back down at Castiel, and his eyes were trying to say something that Castiel couldn't read. "For years, I felt guilty for what happened to Michael – I thought it was all my fault. So please, believe me when I say I know how it feels to be at the end of your rope for things you don't think anyone will understand."

At that, Gabriel turned his attention to Lucifer, his eyebrows pulling together, as if he hadn't expected to hear that. When Castiel saw that reaction, he knew that what his brother was saying was true, and he took a deep breath. "Okay, umm…well things at the shop are awful. I don't have any customers, so I don't have any money. It's incredibly stressful, trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for rent and food and the shop." He paused, then let out a weak laugh. "On top of all of that, I don't have a _special _person to come home to every day, so I'm just on my own completely. I don't have any friends, I just have my brothers, who I hardly get to see, and who are busy enough with their own problems – they don't need to hear more grief from me."

When he looked at Lucifer again, he was actually taken aback by how hurt he looked. "How could you think that?" Castiel just remained quiet, not sure what to say or think, and Lucifer leaned forward, putting a hand on his shoulder. "You're not alone. You have us." He glanced at Gabriel for a moment before looking back at Castiel. "I know things are shitty, but we're going to help you get through this."

Castiel half smiled at hearing his brother say 'shitty,' and for a second, he felt relief, and almost believed his brother.

* * *

**A/N: **I actually had to do some research for this chapter about what EMTs do for someone with a deep cut, so I'm not sure if everything is right. I know it's not protocal that Gabriel sewed Castiel up in the lobby, but I tried to think of how I would react if my brother came in half dead, and I thought _'I probably wouldn't wait, I'd stitch them up right there.' _I got my info from a medical website, so I think it was reliable, but there's really no way for me to know. So if I got something wrong, I'm sorry.

On a happy note, I'm proud to state that there are five people on the wall of fame this chapter.

Wall of Fame

Ill-interrogate-the-cat, Kyrajade, MailMySelfToYou, and two guests

Thanks guys. I really love getting reviews.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Everyone thank Tanna for letting me use her wi-fi. She's a good egg.

I'm still going through and editing all the chapters of all my stories, and I just finished this one. Please, if anyone sees anything wrong with any of my chapters, please leave a review or message me and I'll get around to it. I'm not sure how long I'll spend on this story in particular, so please don't wait to message me. Thanks!

Please leave a review, and I'll put you on the wall of fame! I'll try to keep track as much as possible. If I miss your name, please tell me, and I'll take care of it right away, because I appreciate and love all of my readers.

As always, I do not share any views expressed by any characters in this story. And I own nothing in this story.

Okay, please read, review, and enjoy!

* * *

Castiel loathed his night in the hospital. He felt fine, and he wanted to go home, but no, he was pretty much being forced to stay until morning. It was so boring. The TV in his room didn't have _Hawaii Five-O_ for whatever reason, and there was absolutely nothing to read. It was hard to sleep, because he was thinking far too much, all night long. While he was happy that Lucifer wasn't angry with him for cutting, that didn't solve the problem of how he was going to pay his bills or what he was supposed to do about the coffee shop.

At one point during the night, when Castiel was in a state of being half asleep, he heard someone come in. The IV on his arm was adjusted, and Castiel heard someone doing something to the machines. He knew it must be a nurse, but their identity was revealed when he heard them whisper, "Hey baby bro." Gabriel.

Castiel was a little surprised when he heard another voice, one he didn't know as well. "So, you think he's gonna be okay?" Whoever he was, he wasn't a nurse, because Castiel recognized the sound of heavy boots. But he seemed familiar.

"Yeah, he's gonna be fine," Gabriel told this man. "He's been through some pretty tough shit, even worse than this, and he always pulled through. It's all about keeping his spirits up." They were both quiet before Gabriel added, "You really didn't have to drive all the way back up here, you know. I told you they'd be letting him out in the morning."

"Well, I felt like comin' to see him. I know what I did before wasn't exactly customary, but I was just hopin' it was right for him. He really scared me when I got him in the truck – he nearly flat lined."

"Dude, you're the reason he's alive right now," Gabriel said. "I will never be able to thank you enough."

The other man chuckled. "I was just doin' my job, Gabe."

Castiel couldn't stay awake any longer after that. When morning came, he didn't remember hearing the conversation. All he remembered was that he almost died, and a dreamy, emerald-eyed paramedic saved his life with a belt.

Gabriel insisted the next day that Castiel move in with him. Yeah, he didn't have much room, but he reassured Castiel that they would find somewhere for him to sleep. There wasn't enough room on Gabe's futon for two people, even if they would be comfortable sharing a bed. Even so, Gabe was set on Castiel living with him. He said it was to take away the worry of having to pay for rent, but Castiel knew better. Gabe wanted to keep an eye on him to make sure he didn't plan on cutting again.

Somehow, Gabriel was able to convince Castiel's superintendent to let him out of his lease. He probably gave the guy a sob story about his brother's near death experience. Honestly, Mr. Trumain wasn't a horrible guy. He was pretty nice about it all. Castiel didn't bring much with him. Most of his stuff got boxed up and was taken to Lucifer's house, where he had plenty of room. One might ask why Castiel didn't just move there, but then that one is most likely an idiot. Living with Lucifer would have only made things worse.

Castiel just brought his books and his clothes to Gabriel's apartment. Gabriel had a bookshelf built into the wall in his kitchen, where he had maybe four books, so there was more than enough space for Castiel's collection. Also, Gabe didn't have too many clothes in his closet, so he pretty much gave Castiel half. It was really great not having to worry about if he would be a burden to Gabe.

As for where Castiel would sleep, Gabe had figured that out in no time.

He installed a _hammock_ in the back room. A _hammock_. It was white net, and Gabe had also provided a few pillows and a blanket. Castiel thought it was utterly charming, hanging up in the corner of the spare room that Gabriel pretty much used as storage. Yes, at night Castiel would be surrounded by boxes, and there were no windows in the room, but it was fine.

Castiel grew to love in his hammock, just reading by lamplight, slowly swinging a little (which he could do if he pushed his foot against the wall). It was relaxing, just what he needed after work each day. If Castiel closed his eyes, he could imagine he was on a beach. Sometimes, he just found himself quietly singing "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys. And sometimes, he'd just go along with it, jiving a little in his hammock, swinging his butt like an idiot.

A happy idiot.

* * *

It was Gabriel's idea to put little speakers in Castiel's coffee shop so that he could play music. The concept was to keep the doors open, and people on the street would hear the music and gravitate towards the shop. Castiel liked it because music was very relaxing to him. He was making himself a cappuccino, swaying to "The Best That You Can Do" by Christopher Cross and humming along – _"Castiel does as he pleases, all of his life, he's mastered choice. Deep in his heart, he's just, he's just a boy. Living his life one day at a time-" _– when he heard someone chuckle. Castiel turned around so quickly he nearly fell down, and he gripped the counter behind himself tight to keep steady.

It was that paramedic guy from a week ago. Umm…

"Dean," the older man said, holding out a hand. "I wasn't sure if you would remember my name." He just waited as Castiel hesitantly extended his hand, lightly shaking Dean's hand, caught in his tight grip. "You're Castiel. I remember," Dean said with another chuckle. He pulled his hand back, putting both his hands in his jean pockets. "Nice dancin', by the way. The singin' wasn't bad either. Keep that up and you might get customers."

Castiel was slightly baffled. "Uh, you're the EMT guy."

Dean nodded. "Yeah, me. I'm still wearin' the belt, by the way." He looked down, lifting his shirt just enough to – _oh my_ – show off his tanned, perfectly sculpted lower abdomen, complete with a happy trail, and, oh yes, the brown, leather belt, what Castiel was _supposed _to be looking at. Dean turned, poking the knife hole he'd made in the belt. "See? My souvenir."

With a nod, Castiel said, "Yes, I do see." He swallowed, turning back to the coffee machine. For some reason Castiel felt nervous. As he continued making his coffee, he asked, "What brings you around here?" He glanced over his shoulder at the other man. "Did you know this was my shop?"

A goofy grin graced Dean's face. "Yeah, Gabe talks about this place all the time. Thought I'd drop by, see how you were doin'." He rocked on his heels, and momentarily, Castiel sensed that he might be nervous too. He quickly brushed that away, though. Why would Dean be nervous? Why was _he _nervous?

Castiel turned back to look at him once he'd finished making his coffee. "Can I make you anything?" he asked, grabbing a stirrer straw for his drink.

"Umm, I don't drink coffee much," Dean admitted. "But I can try. Whatever you recommend." He smiled again, just watching Castiel, which made the little barista feel uncomfortable. "I think I'd rather try some kinda hot coffee, though. I don't think cold coffee would be my thing."

That was all Castiel needed. He set down his coffee, turned back to his machines, and started getting busy. This would have to be the best coffee he'd ever constructed, though he didn't know why. Maybe it was because Dean had saved his life. Well, a cup of coffee couldn't pay back that debt. Even his enormous stack of medical bills back at Gabe's house wouldn't be enough to repay Dean for what he'd done.

Castiel had chosen to make Dean a caramel macchiato. He could only hope Dean was fond of caramel. Dean was admirable, in that he waited as patiently as possible, leaning on the front counter, making little noises with his mouth now and again. It took strength to keep Castiel from giggling like a school girl.

When the coffee was finally done being constructed, Castiel carefully placed it on the counter as if it were a precious heirloom. He glanced up and noticed that Dean was grinning at him. With that grin, Dean's eyes crinkled at the edges just a little. It made him look a little older, but Castiel was no one to judge. He himself constantly looked like he'd just rolled out of bed. Dean looked charming.

"Umm, I hope you like it," Castiel said, standing back, wiping his hands on his dark blue apron. Dean nodded to him, and cupped the coffee in both hands, blowing on it. He was about to take a drink when Castiel blurted, "Be careful!" Dean jumped a little, almost dropping the coffee. Castiel winced at himself and mumbled, "It's hot… Just a heads up."

Dean just stared at him. "Well, I did _ask _for hot coffee."

Castiel folded his arms, tucking his hands into his armpits. "Yeah, right. Go ahead." His tongue darted out to wet his lips, and he watched the coffee cup rather than Dean's face. Dean raised it up to drink again, and Castiel blurted once more, "Oh!" This time, Dean just flinched a little, but still lowered the plastic cup, just watching Castiel with a straight face – or maybe poker face. Castiel quickly grabbed a lid for Dean's drink, only fumbling with it a little before it made it to Dean's hand.

Dean just shook his head, half smiling, and popped the lid onto the top of his drink. "Now, if it's okay with you, I'd like to try this coffee." Castiel just nodded, watching once more. Finally, Dean was able to drink, and he scrunched up his nose, swallowing hard. "Oh, umm…it's good. Yeah."

Castiel's poor little heart sank.

For a second, Dean just stared at his cup, like he was wondering why the drink hated him so much and decided to turn evil. He looked back up at Castiel, and saw his his disappointed face, and couldn't retain his laughter. "I'm sorry, I'm sure it's a great coffee. I think I just don't like coffee." He held out the drink to Castiel. "You should try it, just to be safe."

With a nod, Castiel relieved Dean of the coffee and took a nice, long gulp. He gave the other man a bewildered, wide eyed look. "This is probably the best coffee I've ever made."

Chuckling once more, Dean shrugged. "Guess I'm just not a coffee drinker. Sorry, Cas."

Castiel's eyes narrowed at the nickname, but he decided not to bring it up. He liked that Dean was using nicknames, but Cas? It was better than Castielliot, which some asshole had called him in elementary school. "So, if you don't like coffee, what do you drink, Dean?" Without asking, he took the coffee from the counter, putting it with his own next to the machines. More coffee for him.

"Beer," Dean answered, thumbs in his jean pockets. "Or soda. Juice. Just not coffee." He smiled. "Sammy tries to get me to drink those green sludge, monster of the black lagoon, health smoothie things. He's out of his mind; took the whole _your body is a temple_ thing a little too far." When he saw the questioning look on Castiel's face, he clarified, saying, "Sam is my younger brother. A personal trainer, freakin' health nut." Castiel cocked a brow at him, so Dean scoffed, and said, "Yeah, I know, I'm an EMT, I'm supposed to be all healthy too. Nah, I keep other people healthy, let myself go." He signified this by putting a hand on his stomach, then stretching that hand out as if to signify he had the belly of a pregnant woman. He even went so far as to rub his imaginary, big belly, his hand making circles in the air.

Castiel couldn't help it, and he laughed. No, he even fucking _snorted_, just once though, as he tried to smother himself with his hands, turning away. He tried to apologize for looking like a dorkazoid, but Dean was smiling at him. Not like a grin that said 'oh man, this guy is a doofus' or a half smile with raised eyebrows that said 'yeah I think I'm done talking to you now.' It was this nice, genuine-looking smile that made Castiel's stomach twist. "I like your laugh," Dean told him.

With a scoff, Castiel replied, "Don't say stuff like that. My laugh is awful."

"No, I like hearin' you laugh." Why did he sound stern, like he was commanding Castiel to laugh again? _Yes, little human, your laughter amuses me, fuels me. Do it once more. It will appease me. _"So do you still think I'm gorgeous?"

Castiel choked on the coffee he'd started drinking. Well that made Castiel's train of thought derail. Yep, tumbled off a big cliff. Huge explosions. Flames. No survivors. Much sad. "I don't know what you're talking about. And what's the point of saving my life if you almost kill me with coffee?"

"I told you I didn't like coffee." Dean said this in a serious voice, but it was so obvious he was trying not to snicker. "And you said I was gorgeous, when I was carryin' you out of your apartment."

"I was dying; people do weird stuff when they're dying," Castiel retorted, stirring his coffee with his little, black straw. "If you were dying, wouldn't you say things on an impulse and do whatever? Plus I was going into shock I probably had no control over my brain."

Without missing a beat, Dean said, "I would've said you were gorgeous too."

That really caught Castiel off guard. He just stared with big eyes, hand frozen mid stir. His mouth opened slightly, because he wanted to say something, he just didn't know what to say. He couldn't even say 'uh,' he was totally at a loss for words. Slowly, Dean half smiled and looked down at the tiling of the floor, and Castiel realized he still hadn't said anything. He'd lost his cool. Any control he had over the situation, any chance he had of making it seem like he wasn't attracted to Dean, it was all gone.

Eventually, Dean just said, "Well, I gotta get goin'." He knocked on the glass counter twice, pulling his lips in between his teeth. Then he sighed out a laugh, which made his top lip come free, so this fucker was smiling at Castiel, biting his bottom lip, leaning forward slightly over the counter, fucking green eyes shimmering like jade water. He was close enough that Castiel could count his freckles, little kisses from the sun on the bridge of his nose and on his cheekbones. Dean gave a parting wave, then turned and walked out. "Bye Cas."

Castiel had never said anything. Never made a sound. No sound that made it seem like his comeback was just stuck in his throat, that it would come out eventually. Never asked if Dean really thought he was gorgeous or was just joking. Never asked if he was coming back. Never asked how he even found the place, like did he ask for directions or did he drive around until he found it?

Of course, because the universe was against Castiel, all the time, as soon as Dean left the coffee shop, "Lonesome Loser" by the Little River Band came on over the speakers. Castiel was as still as a statue, staring at the door, and the shop itself was mocking him.

"_Have you heard about the lonesome loser, beaten by the queen of hearts every time? Have you heard about the lonesome loser? He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'."_

There wasn't a song better fitted for Castiel. Not just in that moment, but in every moment.

"_Unlucky in love, least that's what they say. He lost his head and he gambled his heart away. He still keeps searching though there's nothing left; staked his heart and lost, now he has to pay the cost."_

That song was off his iPod before the night was over.

* * *

**A/N: **Five on the wall of fame this chapter.

Wall of Fame

destiel82, Destiel101, Khoshekh42, and two guests

I do share the view that caramel macchiatos are nasty though. I've tried on several occasions to drink them. Never really works out. I like cold coffee. Yum yum.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Extra long chapter this time, woah. But you guys love this story so much, so I needed to thank you. And I told you all with the last chapter that I wasn't sure when I'd write again, because I wasn't feeling inspired. Well, somehow ideas just started coming to me like crazy. Now I have almost the whole story mapped out, and I think you'll all be happy. I'm not too sure on an ending yet, though.

By the way, for those of you who've wondered what Luci looks like, her FC is Shu Qi. I already knew I wanted her to be Asian, for whatever reason, and she had to be super beautiful for Lucifer to find interest in her. Haha, spoiler alert.

Oh! And great news! This story has reached 1,000 views. So awesome! Thanks guys for reading!

* * *

Gabe groaned as he entered the apartment, dropping his keys in the little dish on the little table by the door that Castiel had _insisted _he get so he didn't lose his keys again. He rolled his neck, setting his bag on the floor, walking into the kitchen. "Cassie?" he called out as he looked into the fridge. "Are you still awake?"

"In here," Castiel responded, sounding like his voice came from the living room. At first, Gabe didn't notice it, but then he picked up on the sounds that made Castiel's voice ripe with sadness.

"Shit," Gabe mumbled, quickly closing the fridge and skittering into the living room. He was fully prepared to see Castiel bloody with a knife in his hands, but he froze, taken aback by a different sight. Castiel was curled up in a ball on the couch, wrapped up in way too many blankets, crying. Gabe looked to see what was on the TV, then sighed. "Seriously?" It was _Ghost_, the Patrick Swayze movie that **always **brought Castiel to tears.

Castiel sniffled, wiping his tears onto his shoulder since he couldn't move his hands. "When am I ever going to find love like this?" Right now, Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore were sculpting something together out of clay, and Patrick couldn't keep his hands off Demi.

Plopping down beside Castiel on the couch, Gabriel scrunched his nose at the TV. "Dude, just when I think you can't get _any _gayer…" he joked. When Castiel glared and did his best to hit Gabriel (since he was a human burrito right now, it wound up being a light hit from Castiel's shoulder, and then a head-butt) he put his hands up in defense. "Sorry, sorry. Just, if this movie always makes you sad, why do you watch it?"

Castiel left his head on Gabe's shoulder, maybe because he was too sad and needed to snuggle, or maybe because he didn't know how to sit back up. Seriously, his blanket cocoon was wrapped _tight_. He sighed. "This movie was my first date with Jack. I made him dinner and we watched it together for the first time."

Neither of them said anything for a while. Gabe wanted to ask why his little brother still missed the guy that broke his heart, but he knew why. Castiel blamed himself, and he probably always would. "Come here, baby bro." Gabe wrapped an arm around Castiel's shoulders, keeping him anchored. "We should change the channel, though. Maybe we can find _Hawaii Five-O_."

* * *

It had been a week since Castiel cut. He cut on a Friday, so Lucifer had called Luci up that night from the hospital to tell her what happened and to tell her Castiel wouldn't be able to make his meeting the next day. That Saturday was spent boxing up all of Castiel's things and having them sent to Lucifer's house outside of town. After that, Lucifer had insisted on buying dinner for Gabe and Castiel. It was really nice, and Castiel enjoyed not having to sit in Luci's basement.

But now, it was Saturday again, and Castiel had his weekly meeting with the cutters to look forward to. He dreaded it all day, because he knew they would make a big show of saying how worried they'd been for him. Though Castiel really liked Luci, and he didn't hate the people at his meetings, he really hoped they wouldn't prod him and ask too many questions. It wasn't as if Castiel had survived cancer – he did the same thing all of them had done. _'But you almost died from it,' _Castiel reminded himself.

Castiel didn't drive. He knew _how _to drive, and he had a license, but he had no car. While living in his previous apartment, work had only been a few blocks away, so there was no need for a car. Everything else he needed access to – a grocery store, a place to rent movies, the post office – none of those had been too far away.

But now, living in Gabe's apartment distanced him from everything. Gabe would give him a ride to work in the morning (which sucked for Gabe, because he'd go to bed for four hours, get up, take Castiel to work, and then come back home and try to sleep again) and Castiel would have to take the bus home. This always left him waiting at the bus stop for about 30 minutes in the middle of the night. You can imagine what that did for his anxiety. And the bus didn't even drop him off at Gabe's apartment, but rather it dropped him at the bus stop a few blocks away from the apartment building, so he would still have to walk for some length of the journey.

If there was one thing Castiel hated – well, there were two things, really, that Castiel despised, and those were having to depend on people and people giving him pity. He knew that he was getting both of those things with Gabriel, and he absolutely hated it. Castiel just wished his brothers didn't care as much as they did. It was feelings like that which had sprung him to cut in the first place, fueling his rebellion against his brothers' concern.

Castiel waited outside of Gabe's apartment building for Lucifer. Apparently, Lucifer didn't like the idea of Castiel riding the bus, which was why he always insisted driving up every Saturday to take Castiel to and from his meetings at Luci's house. A few times before, Castiel had taken the bus without telling Lucifer, but that always pushed Lucifer over the edge into overly-protective-lion-on-the-prowl-big-brother mode. Lucifer would scour the city for Castiel, then yell and cuss once he finally found him. Frankly, it was a little insulting.

Lucifer pulled up, right on time as usual, and Castiel let out a deep breath before he climbed into his big brother's smoky gray 2011 Dodge Charger. He was given a small smile from Lucifer, but that quickly faded away, for whatever reason. "Ready?" There was no response from Castiel, just the click of his seatbelt, and Lucifer nodded lightly. "Okay, let's go."

Just like routine, it was completely quiet between them in the car. No radio, no conversation. Castiel had expected him to say something, ask how he was doing, or ask about his stitches, but nothing. That's when he realized that Lucifer was probably calling Gabriel every night after Castiel went to bed to check on things. Lucifer didn't trust him to tell the truth about how he was feeling. Well, Castiel _had _told him he didn't expect Lucifer to understand anyway, so there was no blaming Lucifer for thinking Castiel would withhold information from him.

* * *

"Castiel?" Luci asked in a quiet voice. "Would it be too difficult for you to talk about what happened?" Well, Castiel must be psychic, because he definitely saw that coming. "If it's too painful of a memory, we don't have to discuss." Really? Castiel was finally getting a _choice_ in something?

He cleared his throat, twiddling his fingers in his lap. "I don't know," he murmured. Honestly, Castiel wasn't sure if he should talk about it or not. If he didn't say anything, they would think it had been really awful or Castiel was too sensitive, and he'd get loads of pity. But, if he did talk about it, and he ended up crying a little, he'd be giving Luci exactly the reaction she wanted to see, and he'd get even **more **pity.

She gently placed a hand on his knee. "Take your time."

Well, it looked like Castiel didn't have a choice anymore. He half smiled, because he should've anticipated that. "Okay, uh," he paused to sit up straight, the continued with, "well, it had been a really slow day in the shop, so all I had to think about was how miserable my life really is, for all the most pathetic reasons. If I was sad about losing my parents, or about Michael being dead, I think that might justify the fact that I cut. But I'm not sad about them." He laughed once. "I don't even miss them. I didn't know them. It's funny how, over time, you forget that you ever even had a family at one point.

"But anyway, I'm this little worm of a man who doesn't have a social life outside of this circle, and I don't have any friends." He glanced at Luci, just to make sure she didn't look offended. She looked sad, but for a different reason, and kept her hand on his knee. "I don't really make any money, and I've only been in love once. But he stopped seeing me because I held back; I was afraid of what my brothers thought of me being with a man.

"So I cut. And I usually cut my thighs, but I decided 'what the hell, let's try the wrist.' I've never been in so much pain before. And there was so much blood. It was _everywhere_, like someone dropped a blood bag and it just exploded on the floor. I didn't think I could bleed that much from just a cut on my wrist, but…" he rubbed his stitches, "I guess you can. It was pretty deep.

"Anyway, after I called Gabe, I couldn't even stay awake, so I was pretty sure I was going to die. I don't even remember falling asleep." Luci's hand tightened a little on his leg, and Castiel realized his breathing was slightly uneven. He stopped for a second to let himself calm down, fighting off an anxiety attack. He knew he looked pathetic, just sitting there regulating his breathing. He just kept reassuring himself, _'It's okay, Castiel. You almost died. It's okay to be emotional.'_

When he started again, he wasn't as nervous. "This…EMT broke down my door, and he came to my rescue. I don't really remember much, besides being in the back of an ambulance." He sighed through his nose, smiling a little. "It's funny, because everyone keeps saying he saved my life. But, I don't look at it that way." He sat back up in the chair, and he connected eyes with Luci. "I'm going to die someday." He saw her swallow. "That EMT didn't make me immortal. We're all going to die at some point. All he did was put off the inevitable.

"I've thought about that a lot, especially during this past week. I'll die someday, probably by my own choice." He looked away from Luci's frightened eyes. "I'm eternally grateful to Dean for _rescuing _me, but he didn't _save _me. I'm not safe; I never will be. I know that now. He prolonged my life, but he can't save me. No one can." He smiled again. "It is flattering, though, that someone who doesn't know me at all put so much effort into keeping me alive just a little while longer." He chuckled. "He said he was afraid Gabriel would kick his ass if I died."

After that night, Castiel hated the idea of going to his meetings even more. He was pretty afraid to go to the next one, because he knew everyone there had different opinions about him now, that Castiel was some suicidal guy that believed there wasn't a purpose to live for. He could feel their judgment now, not just pity. Castiel didn't want to care what they thought of him, but he couldn't help it.

Things at the shop had picked up a bit, which should've been a good thing. But four out of five people who came in the shop mentioned Gabe, and so Castiel knew they were only coming to his shop because of his brother. Gabriel was probably telling all his nurse friends about his poor little brother who needed business. More pity.

Castiel had mixed feelings about all his new customers. Yes, it was sweet that Gabriel was trying to help him by sending customers his way, but Castiel didn't think he wanted the extra help. He needed to prove to people that he was okay on his own, that he could handle things himself. He wasn't a baby or a lunatic that couldn't even feed himself. Still, everything in his life was getting spoon fed to him. The only thing he did on his own was ride the bus home at night.

* * *

That Wednesday, it was Luci's birthday, and she was having a small party at her house. Castiel was a little nervous about going, because he wasn't sure what Luci thought about him now. He hadn't seen or spoken to her since he gushed about death. Still, he was invited to her party, and so were Gabriel and Lucifer. Should be interesting.

The party was the first time Castiel actually got to walk into Luci's living room. On an impulse, he almost went downstairs, but then he remembered that he didn't have to. In all, there were maybe 30 people there. Quite a few were from the Saturday meetings, others were probably Luci's family and friends, because she did have a life outside of that circle, unlike Castiel.

When they first arrived, Castiel made his way to Luci, smiling and holding out a purple birthday bag. "Happy birthday," he said shyly.

He was a little surprised when Luci hugged him tight and giggled. "I'm so happy you came," she said, smiling with those bright, brown eyes. And she had perfect teeth, god damn.

"Wow, how long has it been since you've heard a girl say that, Cassie?" Gabe asked, walking up and slapping a hand on Castiel's shoulder, who immediately shrugged him off. He half smiled at Luci, extending a hand. "I'm Gabriel, but please call me Gabe. Or Captain Picard, either will do."

Luci laughed, shaking his hand. "It's nice to meet you." Castiel had never seen her this happy. Did she just pretend to be sad during the meetings? Or did having a lot of cutters in her house make her momentarily depressed?

She jumped when Lucifer announced himself, saying, "I'm Lucifer, the oldest brother," because he was standing to her side, but a little bit behind her at the same time, and she probably didn't hear him approach. He wasn't smiling, and that didn't help him look not creepy.

Somehow, it didn't bother her too much, because Luci just smiled. Castiel interjected, saying, "Wait, wait, I've always wanted to do this." Then he idled to Luci, smiling at Lucifer. "Lucifer, this is Luci." Then he looked at Luci, idling to Lucifer. "Luci, Luci. Luci, Luci."

To his surprise, Lucifer chuckled. "Thank you for that, Castiel." He looked at Luci and clarified, saying, "They call me Luci, because it's supposed to make me seem less intimidating."

"It makes him sound like not-a-creeper," Gabe commented. When Lucifer glared, Gabriel shrugged, feigning a shocked expression. "Well, you are pretty fucking scary sometimes, Luci." He smiled with a shit-eater's grin. "Giving you a girl's name makes you more like a cuddly panda bear."

Luci just laughed, covering her mouth with one hand, and placing the other on Lucifer's arm. _Oh_, that's right. Castiel forgot to warn them that Luci liked to touch people. Lucifer tensed up like someone shot him with a taser gun, and Gabriel did his best to contain his cackling. Luci acted like she didn't notice, because she asked, "Aren't you hot?" It was April, and Lucifer was wearing a light sweater. She was pinching the material of his sweater between her fingers, and that probably put Lucifer on the edge of having a heart attack. He wasn't big on touching.

"Oh," Castiel answered for him, "Lucifer is always really cold. Some kind of condition or something, but even in the summer he wears two layers. Like, seriously, I don't think he's ever sweat once in his life."

Lucifer just groaned, rubbing his forehead. "Can we stop telling my life story, please?

Castiel and Gabe wandered off to the little table with finger food Luci had provided. "I didn't know Lucifer was into Asian chicks," Castiel mumbled, picking up a little, plastic plate and piling it with tiny cubes of cheese.

Gabriel shrugged. "Who isn't?" Castiel gave him a look, and Gabriel said, "Okay, maybe not _chicks _for you, but you probably have a thing for Asian guys, right?" He wiggled his eyebrows. "Right, am I right?"

"Gabriel, that's kinda racist," Castiel told him before popping a cube of cheese into his mouth.

With a fake laugh, Gabriel put a hand on Castiel's shoulder. "Oh, Cassie, if I _like_ their race, how can that _possibly _be racist?"

Castiel shrugged him off, then stated past the cheese in his mouth, "Well, you better not put eyes on that one." He motioned with his eyes to Luci, who was still talking to Lucifer. "Looks like big brother's got dibs."

They just sat back and watched for a bit before Gabriel said, "You know, Dean's asked about you a lot the past few days. I mean, he asked about you before, but since the weekend, he's asked even more, just wondering how you're doing."

Castiel sighed. "You're not trying to set me up with someone again, are you?" If there was one area of his life where he didn't need his brothers meddling, it was his love life.

Gabe laughed. "Oh no, little bro. I'm pretty sure this one's as straight as an arrow." Something in Castiel sank, and he thought about how Dean looked leaning across the counter, smiling as he bit his lip. Castiel shook away the memory. "Anyway," Gabe added, "I think we should all hang out sometime. I mean, he _is _my best friend, so I think you guys should get to know each other, as long as you're living with me."

Well, that was new information. Castiel knew that Gabe and Dean talked, but he had no idea they were best friends. Or had Gabe told him that before? He tried to remember, thinking Gabe might have mentioned the EMT he was sending that night was a good friend, but there wasn't much there to dig through. Castiel had been pretty delirious that night, and didn't remember a lot.

And was it really possible that Dean was 'straight as an arrow'? What happened to Dean thinking he was gorgeous? What about the subtle flirting that happened in the coffee shop? Castiel didn't know a lot about relationships, but he knew enough to know that Dean had **definitely **been flirting that day.

Suddenly, Luci squealed, looking down at the floor in fear. At first, Castiel didn't know what was going on, then he saw the spider. _'Oh shit.'_ It wasn't a big spider, maybe the size of a nickel, or smaller, and it was black. _'Lucifer, no.'_

"Uh oh," Gabriel muttered. "I see where this is going…"

As Luci cowered, Lucifer smiled and bent down, picking up the spider gingerly in on his fingertips. Luci looked like she was about to faint when he stood back up, watching it dart around on his hand. "Don't worry, Luci. He's more afraid of you than you are of him."

"I'm not so sure of that," she stuttered in terror. Luci was totally frozen with fear. "Take it outside, take it outside, please."

Luci had arachnophobia. Castiel should've mentioned that, too. Especially since Lucifer was an entomologist who loved spiders more than kittens. People at his work called him the Spider King. "Are you afraid of spiders?" Lucifer asked. At this point, almost everyone was staring at them.

"She's terrified of spiders," Castiel whispered to Gabe, who winced at Luci's impending doom. "God, Lucifer, please don't teach her the secret of getting spiders to like you," Castiel begged, not loud enough for his brother to hear.

"See," Lucifer told the short, Taiwanese woman, "the trick is to just be super calm. If you're calm, they'll feel that, and they'll be calm too. It's the same thing with bees."

Gabe groaned, mumbling, "Lucifer, what the hell are you doing? You're losing points, man. You had her laughing, **you** of all people. You're **blowing **it."

Then, Luci surprised them all by settling down a little, just staring at the spider in Lucifer's hand. It wasn't biting him, and it had stopped crawling around. It was just sitting there, enjoying its 15 seconds of fame. She glanced back up at Lucifer, who was smiling at her. "It's not that bad, is it?" he asked. "People get so scared of them because they don't look like a puppy, but really they're sweet. This breed isn't even dangerous; he's a parson spider. He's venomous, but he's not going to bite because we're not threatening him, and we're too big to eat." He chuckled. "He thinks he's so big and tough until he runs into someone too big to attack."

For maybe a full minute, Luci just watched the spider in Lucifer's hand, and she didn't even back away when it shot up his middle finger, closer to her. It was like they were having a silent conversation with each other, just staring. The spider was saying _why don't people ever give me a chance? I'm not going to hurt anyone. _And Luci was saying _I'm not sure how to feel about you. Maybe not all spiders are bad. This won't change how I think of tarantulas, though._

Finally, Lucifer just smiled and whispered to her calmly, "I'll take him outside now. Thanks for giving this little guy a chance." And then the guy just walked through the people and took the spider outside, letting it go.

Everyone was just dead silent. Some dude none of them had ever met _somehow_ got Luci to face her lifelong fear of spiders, just for a minute. Eventually, people started talking again, and Lucifer and Luci continued their conversation. Lucifer was actually smiling, and it gave Castiel a really warm feeling. Judging from the look on Gabe's face, he was feeling the same thing. Honestly, they were both blown away that Luci still seemed interested in their older brother.

After a while, someone called out "Luci" and both Luci and Lucifer looked up, then they laughed at each other lightly. It was like watching the cutest married couple ever. Luci's birthday cake was wheeled out of the kitchen on a little cart, and everyone gathered around, singing happy birthday to her. She was so happy that she couldn't stop giggling. There were 38 candles on her cake, and Castiel smiled, thinking, _'Well, at least Lucifer likes someone his age, for once.' _Even so, the almost foot difference in their heights made it hard to tell.

When Luci blew out her candles, everyone clapped, and Castiel just felt genuinely happy. He didn't think about his coffee shop, or how pathetic he was, or how Dean probably didn't even like him, or how much he missed Jack every day. He just watched as Luci took the tiniest bites of her cake, and Lucifer was smiling at her. And he almost lost it laughing when Gabe snuck up behind Lucifer to put a dollop of icing on his nose. Luci just laughed when she saw it, and Lucifer pretended to be mad, putting icing on her nose too before turning around to smack his younger brother.

It was a little bizarre to see Luci writing down her number for Lucifer before they left.

* * *

**A/N: **Okay, so for all you lovely people who reviewed last chapter, I applaud you, and I hereby add to you the wall of fame!

Wall of Fame

x Say x May x I x, ILuvSPN1789, oswin13, Insanity123, Bornrider2, Destiel101, TheAngelWithBlackWings99, KyraJade, Perdition Raiser, and Jenny

Wow, oswin13 thanks for the review, but my writing is so not flawless, darling, haha. I _always _have typos, no matter how many times I read the chapter ahead of time to check. And yes, Bornrider2, that is the idea *rubs hands together like evil scientist* I actually have incredibly low self esteem, so I love getting reviews. It helps me know I'm not failing at writing.

And now, I must clean my room. Wish me luck.

**Update**: I failed.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **Omg guys, praise me. I finally go this written. And I extended it since it's been like forever since I updated. So sorry about that. I thought coming to college would give me lots of free time since I only have 3 hours of class every day. But then I got a job, friends, a boyfriend, and I got sick a lot, and I got really anxious and started having panic attacks. I know, world's smallest violin playing, right? Well anyway, here's your update. Sorry I made you wait so long.

* * *

It had been three weeks since Castiel cut. In that time, his life had slowly been getting back to normal – as much as possible, anyway. The members of his support group still acted funny around him, and he still felt an aura of pity coming off of Gabriel. Things at the shop were slightly better. Dean had dropped by a few times, and he always did what _could_ be seen as flirting, but there was no way it was flirting. Even Gabriel had called Dean 'as straight as an arrow.' And if they were best friends, there was no way Gabriel could be wrong.

Castiel made sure he shot down that plane before it had a chance to fly.

Castiel was curled up on the couch with Gabriel as they watched _As Good as It Gets_. This was nice, just the two of them with their sappy movie, chocolate chip muffins baking in the oven. It felt normal, and right. The phone rang in the kitchen, so Gabe jumped up, fast walking to answer it. Castiel half smiled. He knew Gabriel didn't care for this movie at all, but enjoyed the sentiment. The fact that Gabriel pretended to care meant a lot.

Since it was probably Lucifer calling, Castiel decided to eavesdrop. He heard Gabe's voice say with way too much enthusiasm, "Hey, Deano! What's up, my man?" Castiel rolled his eyes, because, _'come on, Gabe. It can't be that torturous to watch a movie with me.'_ Gabe started pacing in the kitchen, which he usually did when he was on the phone, so Castiel turned his attention back to the movie in fear of being caught. "Yeah, he's good. We're good." Wait, was Dean asking about him? "No, he's doing a lot better," Gabriel mumbled into the phone. "As far as I can tell, anyway."

Castiel swallowed, sinking down into the couch more. It was kind of embarrassing. He felt like his dad was having a conversation with his teacher about his progress in school. There was some silence for a while, and Castiel wondered if maybe they'd gotten off the phone. Then Gabe called out, "Cassie, darling, come check your muffins, please."

With a huff, Castiel pushed off the couch, making his way to the kitchen. He whispered, "Don't call me Cassie." After slipping on his oven mitts – which were gray kittens, by the way – he pulled open the oven door and peeked inside.

"Yeah, he's a regular housewife," Gabriel said with a smirk before slapping Castiel hard on the ass. He nearly lost it with laughter when Castiel meeped and jumped out of his skin. After calming back down, though still grinning, Gabriel said, "You guys should totally come over tomorrow. There's a game on, and I'm sure Cassie here wouldn't mind making us all dinner."

Castiel shot him a glare as he pulled out the muffins. He set the tin on the counter, testing one with a butter knife. Gabriel smiled at him, saying into the phone, "Oh, you want to tell him hi?" Quickly, Castiel's face was filled with horror, and he waved his hands in front of himself as the universal sign of _no, stop you fool!_ "I'm sure he'd love to talk to you," Gabriel told Dean, ignoring Castiel's hand motions. "He's getting all excited." Castiel moved his hand back and forth in front of his throat, so Gabriel paused. "Oh, no wait, he's telling me he's going to slit his throat open," Gabriel informed him.

After laying his head on the counter in anguish, Castiel accepted the phone from Gabriel. "Hello?" he asked in a weary voice.

"Hey."

Suddenly, Castiel's stomach twisted like a pretzel, and he could feel the heat rushing to his face, ears and neck. Dean's voice was deeper over the phone, and hearing it right in his ear was such a fucking turn on. He swallowed, then laughed once nervously. After hearing Dean chuckle back at him, Castiel slid down to sit on the floor. It was almost too much to handle. Thankfully, Gabriel had swiped a muffin and moved back into the living room. "Umm," Castiel started nervously, "what's up?"

"Oh, not a lot," Dean answered. Castiel could tell he was moving around. "Y'know, late night. Just got home. Was 'bout to grab a shower."

Castiel's hand gripped the tile underneath him. He inadvertently mumbled, "Oh god."

Dean laughed then inquired, "Nice picture or something?"

There was no way to recover.

After the silence carried on for a bit, Castiel changed the subject. "So, you were thinking of coming by?"

"Yeah, tomorrow. I was gonna bring my brother, Sam, too. I think I've mentioned him before. You like sports?"

Castiel shook his head, forgetting Dean couldn't see him. "Not particularly." He knew some things about certain sports. Many of them involved getting the object in or over a net, and running always seemed to be key. Except for in bowling.

"Well, that's okay. I'll teach you a thing or two. Just tell Gabe we'll be by tomorrow." Castiel heard the water turn on, and his heart somersaulted in his chest to think that Dean had most likely been undressing as they'd been talking. "See you then, Cas," Dean murmured in this really sexy voice. Then he hung up, and Castiel took in a big gust of air. Muffins, where were the muffins? He needed sugar before he fainted.

* * *

The next day was filled with fright for Castiel. He knew that Dean and Sam wouldn't be over until about three that afternoon, but still, Castiel was fretting in the morning. Castiel had informed Gabriel the night before that he wouldn't be going into work, in order to clean the apartment. Of course, Gabe didn't care. He got to sleep in, and his place got cleaned for free. Hells yeah.

He did get worried, however, when he woke up at six o'clock in the morning to find Castiel scrubbing down the oven. At first, he wanted to laugh. Seeing Castiel decked out in rubber gloves, and apron and a bandana on his head was pretty hysterical. But after learning Castiel had been up all night, it became a cause for concern.

"Dude, Dean and Sam have been over plenty of times. The place doesn't have to be clean. And I really don't think they're going to check the oven. Besides, Sam's apartment is always a wreck," Gabriel explained as he poured himself a glass of orange juice. "Magazines everywhere, the dog usually pulls something out of the trash…"

Castiel took a short break, staying knelt on the floor. "That doesn't mean we have to live in filth, Gabriel." Realistically speaking, it had been bothering him for a while now, the shape of the apartment. Of course, he just hadn't been motivated enough to take action. But hearing that Dean was coming over was enough to dig Castiel out of his funk long enough to zone into his cleaning. He was actually a bit proud of himself. He was getting more accomplished than he would've at work.

Gabriel shrugged, taking his juice to the living room. "Whatever, little bro. But I don't like the idea of you not sleeping. Luci won't like it either."

Castiel poked his head out of the kitchen. "Which Luci?"

"Our Luci," Gabriel called back. There was a _thud_, like Gabriel's knee hit the side of the couch, and a very quiet slosh. "Ohfuckgoddammit."

Castiel paused, just staring in the direction of the living room. He stood, pulling off his rubber gloves. "I swear, Gabriel, if you just spilt juice on the carpet I just cleaned-"

"It's my carpet I'll spill on it if I want to!"

* * *

Hours later, Castiel had finally finished cleaning. He went over every room, especially the bathroom. Castiel had never realized that the bathroom looked like a warzone. Now he wouldn't have to cringe if someone went in there.

After all his hard work, he took a much deserved nap – well, a much deserved two hour long session of tossing and turning in his hammock. He was starting to fall away into Dream Land when he heard muffled singing from the pocket of his jacket, slung over one of the boxes. Castiel sat up, narrowing his eyes at the jacket, as if wondering, _'what the hell is wrong with you, jacket?'_

He _finally_ realized it must be his phone, and got up to answer it. Castiel pulled out his phone, and could then hear the music. His face reddened to see it was Dean calling, and the song playing was "Drunk in Love" by Beyoncé. After taking a deep breath, he answered with a sheepish, "Hi?"

Dean chuckled, and Castiel's knees felt weak. Afraid they might buckle, Castiel lowered himself to the floor, hoping this wouldn't become a regular thing when talking to Dean. "How're you doing today?" Dean asked.

Castiel swallowed, suddenly forgetting how to speak. He laughed for whatever reason, then said awkwardly, "Umm…I'm okay, I guess."

"Just okay?"

Castiel bit his lip hard, because he refused to get giddy about this. Okay, Dean was slightly concerned about his well being. That was a friend thing, right? Dean _had_ seen what Castiel was capable of, and had seen him at his worst, first hand. He thought briefly of Dean's _souvenir_ from their first encounter, and stifled himself from making a sound. "Well," Castiel finally replied, "I'm not great. So I guess that means I'm good."

"Maybe you'll be great tonight?"

Castiel made a noise that sounded a bit like a snort, but not quite. He was still thinking about Dean's perfectly molded stomach. Curse him and his infernal, perverted mind. "Yeah, maybe."

After a few seconds of silence, Dean asked, "So, were you really going to make dinner or should we order out?"

That sent Castiel into a frenzy. He quickly looked around his room for a clock, forgetting that there wasn't going to be one in the storage room. So he darted out, looking high and low, finally seeing one on the wall of the kitchen. It was only 11:30, so Castiel told Dean, "No, I can cook. What do you think you'll want?"

"Oh, uh…" Dean drifted off, as if he was thinking. It was a little comforting to hear that Dean had pauses on the phone, too. "I guess anything'll do. Just…not anything too fancy. Remember that it's a game, so, like, game food." There was a pause, so Dean chuckled and added, "If you're confused on that part, I'm sure Gabriel can clear it up for you."

"Okay." That's all Castiel had left.

"I'll see you later, Cas."

Then Dean hung up.

Gabriel made it pretty clear that "game food" consisted of various dips – mostly cheesy dips – and chips, pizza, and sliders or burgers. Castiel had to ask what sliders were, and Gabriel told him with an eye roll, "Like a little hamburger."

Castiel stared, dumbfounded. "So I have to make tiny burgers and regular-sized burgers?"

"Just make regular burgers, Cassie. Get some dips and chips. You can even make that homemade salsa I love so much. Or you could just order a pizza. Can't go wrong with Chex Mix." The list went on and on.

* * *

By the time Dean and Sam arrived, Castiel had piled up the coffee table with a variety of dips and several bowls of chips, a plateful of burgers, and two pizzas he'd ordered – just in case they didn't care for his food. Castiel himself was snuggled into his hammock, reading _Peter and Wendy_, the original version of _Peter Pan_ from 1911, on his phone. He was really enraptured when there was a light knocking at his door, and the calling of, "Cassie, boy!" Castiel groaned, choosing to ignore his brother. But he persisted with, "Duuuuuude." He knocked again and again with some makeshift rhythm, knowing it wouldn't take much to get on Castiel's nerves.

Castiel hopped out of his hammock (catching his foot in the netting for a few seconds) and opened the door. "What?"

"Will you please come out and be social?" It sounded like a serious request. "You really shouldn't stay cooped up back here all night. And besides, you need to watch the game with us. It's time you started learning a thing or two about sports." Castiel was waiting for a joke that involved calling him 'such a girl,' but it never came.

After a minute of internal debate, Castiel nodded, walking out and closing the door behind him. He didn't have much choice in the matter. If he stayed locked away in his room, he'd come off as a snob, when really he was just an introvert. They walked out together, and Dean and Sam stood upon their entry, as if it were some sort of business meeting. "Cassie, you already know, Deano. But this is his little bro, Sam."

Sam Winchester was massive; he was even taller than Dean, towering at about 6'4." He didn't look too much like Dean, but Castiel could see similarities in their posture and their mannerisms. "Hi," Sam said, thrusting his hand out to shake, "nice to meet you, Castiel. I've heard quite a bit about you."

As Castiel shook Sam's hand, he looked at Gabriel questioningly. With a shrug, Gabriel said, "You are my brother. What else am I supposed to talk about?"

Castiel gave a nod, then let got of Sam's hand. "It's nice to meet you too, Sam, though I can't say I've heard much of anything about you."

"He actually lives in the building," Gabe interjected. "The floor right below ours. Small world, huh?"

Castiel nodded again, feeling rather awkward.

A moment of silence passed, then they all sat down. The game was back from commercials, so everyone but Castiel had their eyes glued to the television. Castiel sat up straight, hands folded in his lap, and surveyed the food he'd laid out. In just the first 20 minutes of the Winchester brothers being there, half of the first pizza was gone, and it seemed as if they'd tried the dips. The burgers, however, appeared untouched, and Castiel assumed they were saving them for later, when their appetites were greater.

Football had to be one of the strangest sports, Castiel concluded. Baseball wasn't too difficult – you hit the ball, ran, and tried to make it back to the start without getting caught. It was a bit like tag. Soccer was pretty simple, though it looked dangerous. You just kicked the ball in the net. It was essentially the kicking version of basketball.

But football, that eluded Castiel. Any time a referee walked out, throwing down a flag, the other guys would throw their arms up, yelling at the TV. What did that flag mean? What was so offensive about it? The man in the stripes would say something on his headset, idling to one side of the field or the other, but Castiel could never understand him. Sometimes Gabe and the Winchester brothers were happy with the referee's decision. Once, Gabe threw a handful of chips at the TV as they all called out things like "Bullshit! I call bullshit!"

All Castiel could think was a mixture of, _'What the hell is going on?'_ and, _'Hey I just cleaned that carpet!'_

* * *

After a millennia, it was half time, and Castiel excused himself to the kitchen for a glass of water. He was standing in front of the open cabinet, inspecting different glasses, when Dean walked in. Castiel didn't notice him right away, grimacing at a glass that had a few soap spots. They needed a new type of soap for the dishwasher – or else Castiel would be forced to start washing all the dishes by hand. The very thought made him sigh.

The sound of Dean opening the fridge behind him startled Castiel, and he turned to look at the older man pulling a beer out of one of the bottom drawers. He stood, closing the door, and smiled at Castiel. "Hey." He narrowed his brows and pursed his lips before asking, "You're not drinkin' beer?"

Castiel looked down at the glass in his hand, took a moment to gather his thoughts, then replied, "Uh, no." Then he turned to the sink, filling the glass with water.

Dean chuckled, twisting the lid off his beer and flicking it off his thumb into the trash. He came to stand by Castiel, making the smaller man want to close in on himself. Dean leaned against the counter, giving Castiel a quick onceover, which went unnoticed by Castiel as he nursed his water. He cleared his throat and commented, "You, uh, you look nice. This is my first time seein' you without that big apron on."

Castiel nervously looked down at the floor. "You mean besides the night we first met?" Dean was silent for a moment, and Castiel held his breath. Why did he mention that? Stupid, stupid.

"Actually," Dean retorted, turning more towards Castiel, "I try not to think about that."

After he looked up at Dean, Castiel asked, "Why?" Castiel had tried not to think about it either, but everyone else in his life hadn't stopped asking him how he was doing, or inquiring about how his stitches had held up. No one would let Castiel forget about that night.

Dean shrugged. "I don't know. I just care that you're okay now." He chuckled, looking at the floor, as if he thought that statement were stupid.

Then Castiel smiled. And it was a real smile. He hadn't felt like smiling in a while – at least not more than a small smirk that only lasted a few seconds. "Thank you," he said quietly. Dean looked at him once more, and Castiel only glanced at the other man before turning his eyes down once more. "Usually people just pester me about that night. It's nice to see someone care about how I feel now instead of what made me…do _that_."

Dean smiled at him a little. "So then, you are happy now?" Castiel looked up and saw that smile, and he couldn't help but laugh a little before turning his eyes back down. "Why do you keep doin' that? You can't look at me?"

Castiel laughed nervously. "Umm…"

Taking Castiel's chin in his hand – just like in the sappy romance novels Castiel loved – Dean tilted Castiel's head to look at him. "You like me, don't you?"

Frozen. Castiel couldn't move. He couldn't think. Dean was staring at him with those big, bright green eyes, and it rendered him stagnant. He had so many freckles. For a man, Dean had well-groomed eyebrows. So many eyelashes. Such handsome. Much sexy.

Finally, Castiel snapped out of it, scoffing and turning his head back down, releasing himself from Dean's physical and mental grip. "Did Gabe send you in here?" he asked. "That's what this is, isn't?"

"What what is?"

"You're flirting with me because Gabe told you it'd keep me from cutting again. Well listen, I'm fine. I don't need yours or anyone else's pity. And I don't need whatever act this is." Castiel wanted to walk away, but he couldn't move. Dean still had him in that mental tractor beam. He was stuck, just waiting for Dean to leave first.

It was quiet for a minute more, before Dean shook his head and said, "You're wrong." He paused, in case Castiel wanted to rebut. "Cas look at me." Dean was patient, and when Castiel finally looked up at him, an adorable, frustrated look on his face, Dean chuckled, his smile crinkling the skin around his eyes. "I really do like you. I like you a lot, actually." Castiel stuck his eyes to the floor again, and Dean laughed, saying, "You really think I'd hit on you if Gabe asked me to? I'm not even bringin' him a beer like he asked me to."

"You don't even know me."

With a shrug, Dean said, "Guess I don't need to. I like you anyway. But hey, we should get to know each other. When you come back out here, sit by me, and I'll teach you the basics of football like I promised."

After that, Dean walked back to the living room, and Castiel heard Gabe complain, "Hey, where's my beer?"

Oh.

* * *

**A/N: **SO many reviews! Thank you guys so much. I love you all so much, really I do. Welcome to the wall of fame.

~Wall of Fame~

ill-interrogate-the-cat, KyraJade, destiel82, Destiel101, Otiose-and-Sarky, ILuvSPN1789, TheLovelyGeek14, OldFashionedVillan, Bornrider2, TheAngelWithBlackWings99, Perdition Raiser, trenchcoatedslytherin, MailMySelfToYou, SummerMistedDragon, angeiei77, CharlieMills, parakeetwuvs, Khoshekh42, sidz2891, AlonzoLovesPie, OneInsomniaticHoosier, cumberlovin, 2002rockerchic, Daydur, AcklesButtEquation, CastiellaWinchester94

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_TheAngelWithBlackWings99: _Oh, I assure you, I fail quite often. Like, daily.

_angeiei77: _Thanks so much! Sometimes I wonder if I'm writing the characters correctly, and comments like this lift my spirits.

_parakeetwuvs_: Thank you so much. I actually base a lot of Castiel's feelings off of my own experiences with depression and cutting, so it's good to know that I'm representing that well.

A lot of you seemed to like the Luci2 relationship, and I'm really glad. That was sort of a spur of the moment thing, but I wound up liking it. Seems like the feeling's mutual! Also, is it a good idea to have Lucifer as an entomologist? Couldn't you see him loving creepy crawlies?

UPDATED: 8/12/2015

Hi guys. I'm really sorry for having not added onto this for almost a year. I can't even believe it's been that long. I know a lot of you are probably worried I abandoned this story, along with almost all my other works, but I haven't. To be truthful, I've been through a lot in the last year. I won't go into detail, but I've been really struggling. I feel a bit better now (I haven't even cut in maybe 2 weeks or so, yay) and school is starting in a couple of weeks, so I'll have internet again and I'll be able to continue working on this. Thank you to anyone who stuck with me through all of this. The wall of fame has been updated, so if I missed your name I apologize.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** Hi guys! I'm going through and editing all the chapters of all my stories, because I hate looking back and seeing typos or scenes that could've gone better. So please, if anyone sees anything wrong with any of my chapters - typos, something was confusing, you would've liked to have seen something else - please leave a review or message me and I'll get around to it. I'm not sure how long I'll spend on this story in particular, so please don't wait to message me. Thanks!

* * *

Castiel lingered in the kitchen for a while, staring into his glass of water. It felt too awkward to return to the living room, now that Dean had admitted to liking Castiel of his own free will. He groaned, holding his head in his hands as he reflected over how rude he'd been to Dean after his confession. Why couldn't he have just welcomed it with wide eyes and an open heart?

Because it was hard for Castiel to believe anyone anymore. He expected everyone to feed him with pity until he was smothered. Castiel felt like a fool to assume Dean was just like everyone else. Ever since he met Dean, the older man had only been kind, but considerate. He never asked Castiel directly how he was doing, and never questioned his actions the night they met. Well, except for his initial inference that Castiel had meant to kill himself, but Dean was just doing his job, then.

Taking a deep breath, Castiel made his way back into the living room. Gabe turned at smiled at him. "Hey! Thought maybe you decided to go back to your room."

Castiel half smiled, wishing that had been an option. He sat Indian style on the floor, leaning back against the couch. He grumbled when he noticed Dean's beer wasn't on a coaster, and quickly changed that. When he glanced back up, Dean was giving him an odd look. At first, Castiel thought it was because he was finicky about the coffee table, but then Dean said, "Hey, I thought you were gonna sit by me."

Castiel held his breath and swallowed dryly. He didn't dare look back at Sam or Gabe, who were most likely staring at the scene unfolding. Without saying a word, Castiel scooted over closer to Dean, who was sitting in an armchair. He hoped this was what Dean meant by 'sitting by' him. The only other option was to sit in Dean's lap, and he hadn't remembered the other man asking Castiel to sit on him.

Half time came to a close, and Gabe stood, announcing, "I'm gonna grab a beer, since _someone_ didn't get me one, like I asked." He stared harmless daggers at Dean, before looking at Sam, who had been sitting next to him on the couch. "You want anything, darling?"

Sam chuckled, then shook his head, holding up his beer. "Nah, I'm still good, but thanks, honey." After Gabe left the room, he looked over to see Dean and Castiel staring at him in question. Sam shrugged. "What? It's a joke we play with each other."

Well, at least all the focus wasn't on the awkward tension between Dean and Castiel now. When Gabe returned with a couple more beers, the guys started discussing certain plays, debating on which players were the best and who sucked. Castiel just sat there, looking back and forth between them, trying to understand what was happening.

He eventually looked up at Dean, asking quietly, "Which team do you like?"

Dean seemed a little surprised by the question, but readily answered, "Packers, of course." He took a drink of his beer, then noticed that Castiel still looked confused. He smirked. "They're the ones in green. Green Bay Packers."

"Oh." Castiel nodded, looking back at the TV. "I like their uniforms. Gold and green go good together."

Dean used all his might not to chuckle at that. When the game came back on, he leaned over, so he could explain various things about the game to Castiel. Sometimes, he just made some things up, just to see what Cas' reaction would be. He believed Dean's fibs most of the time, but sometimes he elbowed Dean's knee, and Dean would laugh. When Dean suggested that a yellow flag from the ref issued a potty break, Castiel couldn't help but laugh.

By the end of the game, almost all of the food was gone, including the burgers Castiel had made, which were, according to Sam, "Heaven on a bun." Dean had said something about cooking being the sexiest quality a person could have, and Castiel choked on a corn chip.

Sam wanted to stick around for a little while after the game (since he lived in the same building), but Dean requested that Castiel walk him down to his car so he could tell him more things football related. Honestly, Castiel didn't feel like he knew football any better than he had before that night, but he enjoyed listening to Dean get excited about something. Maybe this was how Dean felt whenever he came to Cas' coffee shop and asked what a mocha frap was.

Dean's car was something to behold. The Impala was truly beautiful, and Castiel never usually said that about cars, of all things. Dean paused, just watching Castiel look over the car. He ran a hand smoothly over the hood of the car, something Dean didn't allow just anyone to do. Castiel glanced back at Dean to find him smiling, but pretended like he hadn't noticed. "What year is it?"

"'69. It was my dad's." Dean put his hands in the pocket of his leather jacket. "Hey, do you wanna go do something?"

Castiel was slightly taken aback by the question, but he mumbled, "Umm, well I have to work tomorrow, and- well what exactly did you have in mind?"

With a shrug, Dean answered, "Drive around, see what's still open, park somewhere afterward, make out a bit."

Castiel braced himself with one hand on the car, his eyes wide in surprise. Was Dean joking, or was he always this subtle? Despite himself, he smiled shyly. "Sounds nice."

Castiel kept on his trench coat when he got into Dean's car. He wasn't sure why, he just felt like he'd be uncomfortable without it. He felt a little better when Dean kept on his jacket, as well. Castiel hoped that they wouldn't stop anywhere too nice. After all, he'd just thrown on his trench coat over his t-shirt and sweatpants.

Dean really liked old rock music, and he liked it loud. Castiel was okay with that. The potential headache was well worth hearing Dean sing along with "Back in Black" by AC/DC. Castiel bobbed his head along with the music, trying not to think about how dorky he probably looked. Dean screeching along with the song had Castiel on the verge of tears with laughter.

They ended up parking the Impala in the parking lot of a grocery store so they could get out and walk around. Castiel was surprised that Dean wanted to hold his hand, but he was even more surprised that Dean asked first. Castiel sheepishly said that it was okay, and they walked hand in hand down the sidewalk, Castiel blushing like a school boy. Dean was so warm.

When they approached the park, Dean turned to Castiel with a devilsh smile. "Hey," he asked, "do you have your phone on you?"

Castiel paused, checking the pockets of his trench coat before shaking his head. "Why?"

Dean pursed his lips, letting go of Castiel's hand so he could take off his jacket. "Oh, no reason." The sidewalk widened, and at its center was a large fountain. Dean laid his jacket on the ground, and Castiel gave him a look of _oh no, you're not gonna do what I think you're gonna do, are you?_

Dean ran ahead, jumping into the shallow fountain, sloshing water everywhere. He laughed, and Castiel slowly walked after him, unsure of how he felt about this situation. But when Dean flashed that winning smile at him, Castiel couldn't help but smile back. He removed his trench coat, laying it on the ground before stepping into the fountain, much more carefully than Dean had.

Castiel raised an eyebrow at Dean, then splashed him. He covered his mouth to conceal his giggles as Dean gave him the stare of death. "Oh, so that's how we're gonna play, huh?" he asked darkly. With that, he gently tackled Cas down into the water, and the two were soaked, trying to wrestle the other into the water.

After Castiel almost succeeded in drowning Dean, the older man rose his hands in defeat, and Castiel laughed, getting off of him and helping him out of the water. They stepped out of the fountain, wringing out their clothes, still tossing droplets of water at each other off their fingertips. Castiel wasn't even sure why or how that happened, but it had been fun acting like five-year-olds.

While they were making their way back to the car, it had started to rain. On impulse, Castiel removed his trench coat, putting it over both their heads. Dean could only stare confused, when Castiel asked, "What?"

"What are you doing? We're already soaked."

Castiel paused, then started laughing. Dean laughed too, then placed a kiss on Cas' lips. Castiel froze, then melted into Dean's lips, who was still smiling. Everything after that felt like a blur to Castiel: a delicious, wonderful blur.

Gabe, of course, had questions about where Castiel had been, and why he was soaking wet, but Castiel simply waved his interrogation away, promising to explain later. He headed to Gabe's room, grabbing a dry change of clothes, before going back to his bedroom to change.

Everything had happened so quickly that night, Castiel could hardly make sense of it. Were he and Dean dating? He wanted to say no, because he was sure that Dean had never officially asked him out, and Castiel wouldn't just let himself be claimed; he wanted to be asked properly. It made him blush to think that, surely, Dean would ask him out eventually.


	7. Chapter 7

When Dean called the next morning, Castiel was terrified. Of course he'd been at work, reading a Cosmo, when "Drunk In Love" began to play from his phone. Thankfully, no one was around to hear it. Castiel closed his maganize, placing it under the counter, before answering Dean's call. "Hello?"

**"Hey so, I think that we should go on another date."**

Castiel couldn't help but smile, feeling his face grow hot. "When?"

**"I was thinking...hmm I don't know- right now? Is right now okay?"**

Castiel's heart sunk into his intestines. "Oh umm...I'd love to, Dean, but I'm working."

**"So what? You're your own boss. Give yourself a couple hours off."**

Biting his lip, Castiel considered the proposition. He'd only had a couple of customers that morning, and it didn't seem like anyone else was going to stop by. What could be the harm in a couple of hours? Smiling, he answered, "Okay. Come pick me up? You know I don't have a car."

**"I'll be there in a minute."**

* * *

Castiel felt bad - like, really bad. He stared down into his frozen yogurt sadly, then looked up at Dean, just sitting there, watching him. Dean chuckled. "Well go on, eat."

Pouting a little, Castiel clarified, "I had no idea you were lactose intolerant. I wouldn't have suggested frozen yogurt if I'd known." When Dean did nothing but smile, Castiel stated, "There was cheese on the burgers I made, but you ate those - you ate the pizza. I don't understand."

Dean laughed. "Well, I can have a little cheese like that and I'll be okay, but if I try to eat a sundae I'll be paying for it."

Castiel twiddled his thumbs. "Then I don't understand why you said frozen yogurt was a good idea. You could've just told me about your intolerance and we would've gone somewhere else. I hate just eating with you having to watch."

Shrugging, Dean replied, "It really doesn't bother me. I enjoy watching you enjoy it. Besides, I saw how you smiled when I agreed to this. You have a sweet tooth, I know it."

The younger man blushed a little, putting his pink spoon in his mouth. "It is really good..." he murmured.

"So eat it!" Dean jokingly commanded. "Before it melts."

After that little mishap, Dean and Cas made their way back to the Impala. Dean even opened the passenger door for his date. Castiel thought it was so gentlemanly. When they were seated inside, Dean paused before starting the engine. He looked over at Castiel. He appeared to want to say something, but seemed hesitant. Finally, he asked, "Do you wanna go back to my apartment with me?" As Dean had expected, Castiel looked totally shocked. He held up his hands, begging Cas not to jump to any conclusions. "It's just, I have a dog that you need to meet, and I actually need to do some laundry but I'm not ready to say goodbye yet, and I have a really nice couch, and-"

"Dean." Dean stopped. Castiel smiled. "That sounds nice."

Dean couldn't help but grin, giving a nod and starting up the Impala. Honestly, Castiel was a bit nervous, but Dean was, too. While Castiel was wondering what he would do if Dean wanted to take things to the bedroom, Dean was thinking about what he'd do if Pocket didn't like Cas.

At Dean's apartment building, Castiel's stomach started to turn. Dean's apartment was on the second floor. It was odd, because his front door was on the first floor, and then as soon as he opened it, there was a staircase leading up to his home. Dean said that someone else lived directly underneath him, which explained the other door next to his. Castiel hadn't seen apartments set up like that before, but he sort of liked it. He wondered if Dean was friends with the people living under him.

There, at the top of the stairs, was Pocket - a fat, corgi/husky mix with a silly smile. Dean grinned at his best friend. "Hey Pocket! Hey!" The dog bounded down the stairs, and leapt right into his owner's arms, licking his face. He then noticed Castiel and paused, his ears going back. Dean looked at Castiel, then at Pocket. "Pocket, this is Castiel." He couldn't fight his wide smile. "Castiel, this is my best friend, Pocket." Pocket licked his jaw once more, as an indication of his gratitude to have such a title.

Castiel was covering his mouth, and at first, Dean was worried that maybe Castiel was afraid of dogs. In a shrill voice, he said, "He's the cutest dog I've ever seen." Pocket's tail began to thump against Dean's side, and he chuckled. The dog squirmed, so Dean passed him over to Cas, who readily accepted the adorable dog. "Hi," he said, with the biggest smile Dean had seen on him. Pocket licked his nose, and Castiel giggled, giving the dog a hug.

Dean's apartment was pretty nice. He didn't have a lot of furniture, but what he had was in good condition. Dean hadn't been lying - his couch was _sooooo_ comfortable. It was ridiculous. Castiel refused to believe a couch could be this comfy. Pocket stayed in Castiel's lap, desiring his constant affection. Dean was thumbing through a stack of vinyls in the corner. Apparently he had just in the past year started to collected records. With a smile, he pulled out _It Might As Well Be Swing_, a Frank Sinatra album, and set the record in the player. Dean set "Fly Me to the Moon" to play, and turned back to Castiel with a smile. "Care to dance with me?"

Castiel swallowed nervously. He couldn't remember the last time someone had asked him to dance. Come to think of it, _had_ anyone ever asked him to dance? He moved Pocket out of his lap, and stood slowly. Dean held out his arms, waiting for Cas to walk into them. With a shaky breath, Castiel walked forward, placing on of his hands in Dean's, and the other on his shoulder. Dean put his free hand on the small of Castiel's back. Pocket just watched the two men dance, most likely unaware of the swelling feelings between them. As they continued to dance, Dean placed a gentle kiss on the side of Castiel's neck, making the younger man want to fly out of his skin and crawl into Dean's. Dean was tempted to apologize, but judging by the way Castiel pressed his body closer, it must have been okay.

The song was over far too early. Dean made them some coffee, and they continued to listen to Sinatra for a while. Castiel leaned back on the couch, Dean laying next to him with his socked feet in Cas' lap. Pocket lay on Dean's chest, and he started to look sleepy. With a curious smile, Castiel asked, "So, why the name Pocket?"

Dean chuckled, patting his dog's head. "Because when I first got him, he fit in the pocket of my jacket." He pretended to be annoyed as he said, "Now he's gotten so _fat_."

Castiel laughed at that, just smiling at Dean and Pocket laying there. This was a picture that he could really get used to. He was so glad that Dean had invited him over; he never wanted to leave. Castiel imagined Dean picking him up from work, and coming back here to have dinner and listen to more records. Then Dean would head to work, and Castiel would crawl into bed with Pocket, where they would be waiting when Dean came home early the next morning. Castiel glowed with happiness at the thought. Sure, it was much too soon to think of such things, but Castiel wasn't actually making plans yet.

A short while later, Dean ended up falling asleep on the couch, and Castiel gently snuck off to do the laundry he'd mentioned. Later, Dean would be quite distraught that Castiel had handled his dirty underwear, but Castiel waved it away and gave him a kiss on the jaw. Of course, this spurred Dean to pull Castiel close and give him kisses all over his face.

As Castiel giggled, and Dean held him, just looking at his happy face, Dean looked kind of emotional. "Cas, will you be my boyfriend?"

Castiel just stared, his eyes wide and glittering. They were so blue, so captivating to Dean. The younger man smiled wide, and said, "Yes, of course." He buried his face into Dean's chest, hardly able to believe that this was real. But he could hear Dean's heart beating fast, and that was his validation.

The two did the dishes together - much to Dean's initial dismay. He soon grew to like it, though, washing the dishes and then letting Cas dry them and put them away. Of course, Castiel was unfamiliar with the kitchen, so he had to inquire where everything went, but Dean refused to trade jobs. He wasn't going to let Castiel handle his, "crusty underwear and crusty dishes in the same day!" Castiel nearly fell over laughing. He claimed not being able to remember Dean's clothes being so dirty. Dean replied, "That's because I've been laying off the cheese." Castiel scoffed in disgust, but still smiled at his _now boyfriend_.

Eventually though, Castiel had to go back to his shop. Dean was reluctant to leave, so he hung around for a bit. Castiel taught him how to make a white mocha frap, and Dean said he understood why he didn't like coffee. "Too much milk. That's barely even coffee!"

Rolling his eyes, Castiel held out the drink. "Just try it. That won't kill you."

Dean hesitated, then took the cold, plastic cup in his hands. He sipped some coffee through the straw, and his eyes widened. "You're not getting this back."

Castiel laughed. "But your lactose-"

"Screw it, I'll do laundry again."

Castiel hid his face in his hands and howled with laughter until he shook.

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**A/N: **What are you guys even doing still reading this? Like, what? I've strung you guys along for so long now. How long has it been? ... Oh my gosh almost two years! I am soooo sorry. Eh, to be honest, things got really rough for a while there. Okay, personal author time, so if you don't wanna know my personal business, here's the wall of fame, and thank you so much!

Wall of Fame

ill-interrogate-the-cat, KyraJade, destiel82, Destiel101, Otiose-and-Sarky, ILuvSPN1789, TheLovelyGeek14, OldFashionedVillan, Bornrider2, TheAngelWithBlackWings99, Perdition Raiser, trenchcoatedslytherin, MailMySelfToYou, SummerMistedDragon, angeiei77, CharlieMills, parakeetwuvs, Khoshekh42, sidz2891, AlonzoLovesPie, OneInsomniaticHoosier, cumberlovin, 2002rockerchic, Daydur, AcklesButtEquation, CastiellaWinchester94, Oldies127, roughenedverses

7 guests

Perdition Raiser: I'm so sorry! DX I'm so bad, I know. I need to be punished. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Guest named M: Thank you for your concerns. I'm going to address those down below.

As for the rest of you, thank you so much for reading! Right now, I'm just trying to give each story one update a month. Hopefully in the future, I'll be able to do more. Love you guys!

Okay, personal author time.

So, I was going to college, when I had a nervous breakdown. Everything before that was just great (this is back in 2014). Since then, I haven't been the same person. It gets hard to focus on anything without getting intimidated by it - such as writing. I actually ended up failing a lot of my classes, bouncing around different meds that didn't work, got re-addicted to cutting, and fell back into my eating disorder. I had to leave school in March 2015, which was really, really horrible. I'd always dreamed of going to college (no one else in my family ever had), and I felt like I let my entire family down. Most of my family and friends were supportive, and that helped. I returned to school in August 2015. Things were going okay, I was still having some panic attacks, but I was happy. Then, I met a guy named John. We started dating, things were going well, then on Halloween, he raped and strangled me for over three hours. It was really traumatic, but I refused to believe it at first. I told myself that, no he didn't rape me, he was just kinda rough and next time it'll be better. Never mind that I was a virgin and he didn't even wear a condom. Anyway, since then, I've been pretty fucked up. I actually haven't cut in a while, but I slept with a few random guys, and even prostituted myself a little. But now, I have a job, I'm getting my first car, and I'm home, out of school once more. Dropping out a second time really sucked, but after getting raped, there was no way I could stay there. I mean, we went to the same college, so... But anyway, that's been my life for the past while. It's been fucking awful, but things are starting to get better. Thank you all who showed even a little concern or maybe wished me well. I want you to know that I'm okay.

If any of you out there are suffering, this is my promise to you - as shitty and corny as it sounds, things can get better. I'm not guaranteeing that they will, but they _can_, so you have to hang in there and try to make things work. Everything may seem impossible right now, but fuck, if I can do it, so can you beautiful, wonderful people. I love you all, I really do. Message me if you ever need someone to talk to.


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